Home is Where the Heart is Pt. 2

Hey there my lovelies!! I am sorry that I missed a post this past week, but as you can see I was home with the fambam for a wonderful 5 days. My sister and I made the trek (45 min flight) to our home in Waimea at the bright and early 530 am, which was aided by the Venti iced coffees we inhaled. We went home for the weekend because our little (gigantic) bro was being confirmed in the Catholic Church!! For those of you who don't know what that is, it simply means that the individual is blessed and sealed with the Holy Spirit, and becomes an adult in the Catholic Church. I was his sponsor (like the god parent of the confirmandi) which meant I had to be there for the ceremony! So Sal and I were able to spend a wonderful 5 days with the fan, which meant we spent a lot of time relaxing, watching taped Kardashians, playing in the backyard with the pups, and a hysterical game of Apples to Apples. We were so bummed we had to go back to the bustling Oahu, but we all be back at our home in July for two weeks! 

Later Gators,

MF

PS: I want to thank each and every one of you for the words of encouragement that in received in regards to my story. It made my heart swell with all of the kindness and love that i received from people. It had always been something I wanted to share, and now that I have, I feel that I can start my next chapter.

{My Story}

 {My High School Graduation, May 2011}

So i have been wanting to do this post for a while now because i want to have a place where i can write everything about myself, and have those who care and are interested take a peak into my life. But more importantly, i want to do this for myself. I want to write down the part of me that i feel truly awakened the true personality that i am today, and i would like to share that with you today. Here we go…

It all began with a normal habit: emotional eating. I wouldn't really describe it as normal, but rather as a trait that my father and i share (being that we are two peas in a pod) and it had always lead to my struggling with my weight. I have always been the kid who was never excited about any type of exercise, and would rather lounge around or play outside for fun and not for fitness. I mean, what kid doesn't think that way, right? Well, all my life i have been a curvy, stout little nugget that was more solid than slim. Fast forward a couple of years, and i still resort to emotional eating when it came to dealing with stress, sadness, anger and any other emotion that forced me to feel. My mom will be the first to admit that i am a drama queen, being that i scream and yell and say things i don't always mean, and feel everything that i feel to my core. Food was something i saw as a soft place to land; something that wouldn't judge me, offer advice when i didn't want to hear it, and was always there 24/7. It was never something i felt was an issue being that i was more of a solid girl, and played the occasional sport or went to the gym with my parents. I never knew what my innocent "habit" would turn into.

The year i began 8th grade, my family got notice that my dad was going to be deployed for 12 months to Iraq. Now, i am a military kid, and i am accustomed to my dad being gone for a couple weeks at most, and seeing him for a couple days and then having him leave again. So at first the idea of my dad being gone for 365 days without seeing him, i was scared but i knew we would do it as a family like we always did. My mom is an absolute super-hero in the sense that she did everything in her power to make sure that we spent those days doing everything we could to stay busy. We took a 3 week trip to visit family on the mainland, we went to the movie every weekend, we ate special dinners at home, we watched different tv series; basically a dream to most kids. There was something, i can't put my finger on it, but it triggered a switch inside of me that put into the defense mechanism that my brain had in place. Within six months of the deployment, we were notified that they were going to be extended another 3 months, making for a grand total of 15 months deployed.  My family took a hit in the sense that we had planned my dads R&R (his two week home visit) to be only 3 months from his coming home so we wouldn't have to wait that long, and now that changed to six months instead. After this, my Grandmother passed away extremely suddenly, sending my entire family into a crazy tailspin of emotions, and i had no where to put my intense feelings. I consider this to be the start to the event that would truly change my life: the day my eating disorder became my best friend.

I am a recovering (the journey never stops) eating disorder victim. I suffer from anxiety-induced binge eating disorder, which means when i am in a deep and dark place where i cannot and won't deal with my emotions i black out and eat; i eat a lot. Its then that i come back to reality with no recollection, and hundreds of calories disappeared. Like i said in the beginning, food had been a comfort to me in a time and place where i felt my parents shouldn't have to listen to my worries. I have always been someone who worries consistently about everything, and when i say everything, i mean EVERYTHING. So my eating disorder became a part of me that i hid from my family, a part of me that i was so ashamed of that i had no idea how to ask for help. I had found something that took away my pain for a period of time so that i wouldn't have to feel so empty and hurt.

Within this time period, i was also taking a medication called Yaz in order to get my teenage hormonal skin under control. Little did i know that this medication would be the reason why my family would discover my secret and come to know my darkest secrets. This medication caused me to have violent, emotional fits of anger that i could not calm myself down from, and i even began to hear voices. This sounds like something out of American Horror Story, but it happened. I heard voices telling me i wasn't good enough, and that this world shouldn't have to be around me anymore. I thought it was just my inner most workings giving me a solution to the problems that were overwhelming me. It was when my brother and sister overheard me talking to myself about how i was going to commit suicide. It was then that my mother confronted me, and i lost my marbles. I started to sob uncontrollably, lost control of my breathing, and was on the verge of a full blown panic attack. My mom tried to hold me, rock me back and forth, but nothing was working. My mom told me later that she was seconds from calling the ambulance and having me committed because she was so terrified i was going to hurt myself or couldn't calm myself down. It was then she made the decision to google things that could attribute to my behaviors and the first thing that popped up: Medications. It was like a light bulb went off in her head, and she knew that Yaz was the reason everything i was feeling was heightened. I honestly have no idea what happened the rest of the night because i blacked out. It is something my mind does as a defense mechanism; i would rather not know than feel it. But i know that my mom basically slept on my floor until we could see the family therapist the next day. Once we determined the medication was heightening what i was already to myself, i was referred to a therapist that specialized in eating disorders. It was through this specific therapist that i discovered the things about myself that i have always felt was never a good thing, or the feelings i had that i never shared with my parents. Essentially, through my 5 year recovery i was learning how to love who i am exactly the way that i am. 

I know that this post is extremely personal, and is a slightly different note than what i normally post, but i have been going through some serious hurdles lately, and it has caused me to think about all things in my life that make me happy and allow for my life to feel full. I am a bossy, loud, anxious, fun, caring, messy human being that hates sad movies, love to watch movies in my jammies, watches SVU reruns, enjoys cooking and squishing my toes in the sand on a bright beach. I want to be a high school english teacher who inspires her students to be a better person, and i want to live my life one say at a time. It had taken me 5 years, and will take the rest of my life, to work on the parts of me that continue to creep in and attempt to drag me down. With all that being said, i have decided that i am going to take a year off from school to refocus myself, and allow for myself to take a step back and love the things i love, and be around people who make me laugh the hardest and push me to be a bigger person. My Momma always says, "Everyone has a story, and its not always what you see from the outside looking in," and this is my story. My emotional, mountain of hurdles that has allowed for me to grow and become someone that i never thought i would be, and i have my family and loved ones to thank for that. My family loved me through one of the hardest things a family can go through, and let me discover myself in a way that pushed limits. I appreciate whoever you are to have taken a read of my story because it truly means the world to have the support that i do.

I dedicate this post to my family; y'all are my favorite, most frustrating people in this whole universe, and i cannot begin to explain how much i love you. Thank you for taking me for who i am and constantly reminding me what unconditional love is. Miss you Chickens <3

Later Gators,

MF

PS: If y'all have any questions or just wanna chat, feel free to message me on Facebook or comment your email below!

Gluten/Dairy Free Orange Chicken

Hey there Lovelies! I come to you from a different setting, where the food takes the front seat. As some of you may know, at the start of the New Year, I made a huge life and dietary change: I decided that after years of struggling with hormonal imbalances and strange instances with my body that I would give up all Gluten and Dairy, and attempt to live as Paleo as possible. Yes, I know thats an overwhelming shift for a regular person, but for me it was major. I have always been someone who puts my health and wellbeing on the back burner, and focused on my studies and other things. By forcing myself into a lifestyle that would ultimately change evetythig that i know about food, i knew i was in for a ride. I have been Gluten Free for nearly 5 months, and i cannot begin to exlain the differences that i feel. I finally feel like my body is getting back on the track that it was meant to be on all along. By changing my diet, it has allowed for me to feel more bold when it comes to making choices and not be afraid to cook. I am in no means attempting to force my beliefs, or shame others into guilt because i have always felt that way; but i truly feel like i have found something that makes my body and mind feel good.

Enough jibber-jabber, lets get to this tasty dish! I am bringing you my new favorite dish: Gluten/Dairy Free Orange Chicken. This recipe was found on Pintrest here, and it literally takes all of 15 min to prep and make, which in my book, is a SCORE. Its uber tasty, and my sister (who has involuntarily changed diet because i am the cook) loves this panda express look alike! I hope y'all will try it out, and lemme know if y'all have any good recipes!

Gluten/Dairy Free Orange Chicken

Ingredients:

- Chicken Breast (I use two large ones)

- Flour Mixture (Garlic Powder, Onion Powder, Pepper, Salt, Almond or Coconut Flour)

- 2 Tbsp Ketchup

- 2 Tbsp Brown Sugar

- 1/2 Cup Orange Juice (Fresh or Organic)

Step 1:

Mix chicken with the flour mixture, and then pan fry in about 1 tsp of vegetable oil in large pot until golden brown.

Step 2:

While chicken is browning, mix the ketchup, brown sugar and OJ with a whisk in a small bowl. 

Step 3:

Add the mixture to the browning chicken, reduce heat to a simmer and let it for 10 min or until thick.

Final Step:

Serve over basmati rice, and Enjoy!

Later Gators,

MF

PS: In case you are careful about other items with gluten in them, Soy Sauce has it in it. So i found this brand, and i absolutely love it!

Friendly Reminders

I have always been the girl who has been friends with everyone, but haven't found anyone (other than my siblings and my lifelong childhood friend Bailey) who has accepted me for me; the real me. The me who has terrible road rage, has absolutely no tolerance for rudeness, an obnoxious habit to quote movies, an affinity for reality tv and my lack of wanting to party. Little did i know that i would meet a friend in college that would give me the chance to find the kind of relationship where i feel there are no reservations, but just laughter and happiness.

Allow for me to introduce by best gal friend, Dee. She is one of the most kind, caring, hilarious, forgiving, thoughtful, intelligent human beings that i have the pleasure of being around, and i cannot begin to explain my love for thick chick. We initially were acquaintances when were both at Chaminade University, she was more popular so we just kinda acknowledged each other, only to find that at the beginning of my sophomore year at UH Manoa, she was in my Hawaiian Studies class. Later, we were then in an Educational Foundations class, and then we finally had the joint realization that the universe obviously wanted us to be friends, and here we are 3 years and a college transfer later. Dee accepts me for exactly who i am, and i feel like no matter what story i tell her, she always has kind words of advice or a shared gut-wrenching laughter fit. With her graduating this May (i am so excited for her i could explode!), i found myself wanting some cute pics of us that i could put all in my room and have as a memory. Between the dates we have at a local diner, to our scared obsession with Criminal Minds, to our hours of talking in my living room, its something that is a breathe of fresh air in my life where i go 900 miles an hourWe originally were gonna get all dressed up, but Sal made a good point "Y'all don't get dressed up together anyway, yoga pants are kinda like yalls norm," so we went for our casual outfits and just had a blast feeling like we were taking wedding photos for an engagement announcement. Good friends are a dime a dozen in our society today, and once you find tat trust, it truly is a gift that you should never let go of. I cannot begin to explain how lucky i am to have this gal in my life, and hope that this post inspires y'all to reach out to those who make you feel happiest and just let them know; sometimes its just a small smile or hello that can make the biggest differences. 

Later Gators,

MF

PS: Looking through all of our photos, i found this beaut and felt that it was the one poctue that really sums up our relationship: goofy and unique